We miss you Angel Baby

Austin still cries for you and I am soooo sad that Jaxon will never have met you. How do I explain to him who you are and how special you were to us when he wasn't even here when we had you in our lives? I know Austin will never forget you and I would really like to think that Jaxon got to be with you the three months between having you and getting pregnant with him. It is bittersweet watching him grow up, wondering if you would have done things like him. I wish I could have experienced everything with you that I am experiencing with your brothers. Now we are again expecting another little boy. His name will be Gavin and is due to be here Oct. 30th. We are so happy but once again so scared. I know you are watching over us. I love you my sweet angel.

John Thomas, he is ready for fall 2008 

In Memory of Our Sweet Baby Boy
John Thomas Cavote
January 4th, 2006
5 lbs 11 ounces
18 inches long
1 :47 p.m

MY SWEET LITTLE BUCKAROO

It all started on May 28th 2005, when my husband and I found out we were pregnant. I took the test and ran out to him shaking so badly, I couldn't believe we were going to have a baby. I told him, “I am sooo pregnant." He tells me now, “I don't know how pregnant you can be, but when you told me you were REALLY pregnant." It is our funny little memory. At the time we were planning a wedding to happen on August 20th, 2005. I had already bought my dress and after finding this out I was still determined to wear it, knowing I would be about 16 weeks pregnant by the time the time came. We were also building house. My graduation was also coming. I had my son from a previous relationship at a young age, so I was just now finishing school, but with everything as hectic as it was, we were still so excited and looking forward to having our baby. 
     
Hearing his heartbeat the first time was indescribable. We also got an ultrasound our first visit because I had had some cramping and they wanted to make sure it wasn't an eptopic pregnancy. It looked like a little peanut with a heart beating. My husband was beside himself.That little peanut started moving on August 19th, 2005 the day of our dinner rehearsal. The next day on our wedding night he popped out from hiding and I started showing. He stayed hidden just long enough for me to fit in my wedding dress. The whole day was absolutely beautiful.

The next big event in our life was a tragic one. On August 29^th, 2005 the home we were building caught fire and burnt down, about a week from moving in it. It wasn't just a home, it was our dream home. All of our dreams of the baby learning to walk talk and play were in that home. We were thankful we had our family and they we were ok. We thought at the time that was a big loss and up until then it was our biggest loss yet.We soon started rebuilding.
     
In September we found out we were going to have a little boy. We decided to name him John Thomas. John after his Grampy John Micheal, and Thomas after his Pappa Lawrence Thomas. His Little brother Austin was sooo excited he was a boy and everyone was very surprised. Everyone thought he was going to be a girl! Daddy was once again beside himself seeing his little boy on the little ultrasound screen. At that moment was one of our happiest. Being a boy, we also decided to decorate his room in Cowboys. We thought it would look perfect in the log home we were building. 
      
In October we went to a Halloween party. My husband was a knight and Austin was batman. I was a pumpkin and the baby went as my pumpkin seed. I thought it was the perfect costume for a pregnant women. In November we had the “Little Buckaroo” baby shower, thrown by Aunt Tina with the help of Granny. It was so perfect, just like everything else to do with John Thomas. He got so many cute little things from loving family and friends. He was so anticipated and waited for, for such a long time.
     
My belly grew and grew. Every night I would lay my hands on it and hold him and feel him. I hoped he could feel my warmth and the protection I was trying to give him. Austin also knew mommy’s belly was growing. He talked to John Thomas all the time. He also sang him,”You are my sunshine” which was his baby song. Austin told me he wanted to share it with his little brother, and so he did. He kissed my belly and showed it off to everyone, even strangers.
     
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. All the family wanted to talk about was John Thomas. They were all sooo excited and wanted me to hurry up and have him. They couldn’t wait to hold him. While time was passing we got our shopping caught up and got everything we needed for John Thomas. I loved adding things to his room. It was so beautiful. When I was having a hard day or was getting tired of waiting for him I would go in his room and play with all the things I set up. I would take the wrapper of more things, stock his diapers, arrange his bed, ect. 
      
He was also always such an active baby. He loved when dad was around; I think he liked the deep voice. He would move at the slightest sound. We played games all the time. I would put my hands on my belly to hold him and he would kick my hands. Two weeks before he passed on December 25^th, 2005, I had a doctor’s appointment. I told her that he was moving so much it scared me. The past few days he had been overactive. I felt at that time I knew something was wrong. I was afraid he had a knot or would get himself tangled up with how much he had moved. I think it was my mothering instinct. I asked if there was anything they could do. She said knots were rare and even if he had one, all they could do was get him out of there. She told me to go home and if I got scared again to call, but I was scared then, but I still just went home. 
      
Every morning I would get up and go to the bathroom, before I would get Austin to school, and every morning I did this John Thomas would get the hiccups. On January 3^rd, 2006 I went potty and went off to get started on getting Austin ready for school. Only I noticed this time he didn’t get the hiccups. I knew something wasn’t right. I took Austin to school, got home and called my doctor. I had to leave a message. While I waited for a call back I ate something sugary, that is what you are supposed to do when you don’t feel the baby move, it is supposed to get the baby moving. When that didn’t help I became very worried. I poked at my belly waiting for him to kick back and it didn’t happen. I then went and got my BeBe’ sounds, which is a Doppler to hear your babies heart beat at home, I couldn’t find his heart beat, but the stupid thing never hardly worked anyway. I was on my way to get Austin from school when the doctor called me back. All she said was to do the things I had already done. I told her I had already done those things and was very worried because they didn’t work. It had been four hours since he had moved and I couldn’t understand why they were not as worried as I was. She finally just told me to come in and they would check the heartbeat.
      
I picked Austin up and at that time my husband called me. I told him what was going on and he told me to come get him. He wanted to go with me to make sure everything was ok. He knew I had been worried the whole time I was pregnant that something bad was going to happen. When I picked my husband up he got in the drivers seat and we got on the road to the doctors. While we were in the car he told me to show him my belly so he could talk to the baby. I lifted my shirt over my belly and he put his hand on it and started to talk to him. I was counting on this to work, but still no movement. Jon told me my belly didn’t even seem the same.
      
I got to the doctors and they got us into a room immediately. They put the Doppler on my belly and still, nothing. At this point my doctor said to get ready to go into ultrasound and not to be worried. As soon as she left the room I looked at Jon and Austin and started crying. I knew something was defiantly wrong. I could tell Jon knew too. He still tried to comfort me and told me not to worry yet until we got the ultrasound.We went down to the ultrasound room, me, my husband, and my four year old Austin. My poor little boy Austin was there in the room with us, if we only would have known the outcome, he wouldn't have been there. I lifted my shirt over my belly, they touched it with the doppler, and usually I would have watched the screen, excited to see John Thomas, but I didn't even look. They said I'm sorry almost before I got my head turned and I just started screaming. My husband said ," you have got to be kidding me" and all I kept thinking was how I felt I had smothered my baby and how disappointed my husband was going to be. My husband kept asking what could have caused this to happen and they said when it is this far along, 36 weeks, with no other sign of complications, it is usually a knot. Then I started screaming,"I told the doctor, I told her"I felt I was letting my husband down. I thought my baby had died inside of me and somehow it was my fault. My next thought was what was I going to do. I knew I was going to have to have the baby. My husband and I just screamed and cried. I had never saw my husband so heartbroken and upset. I felt I tore his whole world from him. We just hugged and cried. A nurse finally had the sense to take my son to the clinic play room. My husband and I cried in the ultrasound room it seemed forever, then the nurse came in and said they were sorry, but they needed the room. They said we should call someone to come get Austin. They left again so we could call someone and Jon called his dad first. I remember the words, they hit me so hard. Jon said," Dad? my son is dead." What else could he have said? You could hardly understand him. He then told them someone needed to come get Austin, they said they would. They got there and cried and hugged us. We were still taking up the room. My doctor came in and said we had to go to labor and delivery. At this point I was wishing it would all go away. The whole pregnancy, the memories, the BELLY. The belly I loved so much. How could I ever had thought that. 
       
I was planning to have him naturally, so I still wanted to do that for him. Just because he was gone it didn't mean, to me, that he didn't deserve me trying as hard as I would have if he were still alive. My husband went in the bathroom with me to change into my gown. I was embarrased of my belly. What once was such a happy thing turned into such a devistating thing. But I could not hide my belly I was huge. It was just a cruel reminder of the lost life inside of me. How everyone found out and how people got to the hospital is still kind of a blur. I decided to have demoral for the pain, but nothing more, and they gave me as much as they could, because at this point it didn't hurt the baby. My mom was there, my parent in-laws, and my sister in law was there. They all helped so much, and my husband, oh my husband, he was at his greatest. I remember him crying sometimes when I would doze in and out, but he stayed so strong for me. He was there more than I ever imagined he would have been. I feel in love with him all over again. I was in labor for 24 hours. I was in painful labor for about 2 hours.



 
       


My Husband and our family were there when he was born. My husband got to see his first born be born. It was so overwhelming for him. I wasn't in pain anymore. As soon as he came out they took him. I wanted him back. I asked and asked for him. It seemed for ever before I got him back, but I knew it was only a few minutes. They also showed me THE KNOT. I held him, smelled him, kissed him, touched him, cuddled him. I dressed him. My husband and I looked him over to what of whos he had of whos. He had the curliest, thickest, blondest hair I had ever seen. My husband and I opened his little eye lids and he had my husbands blue eyes. He truely looked like an angel baby. Too perfect to be here in this crazy world. The hardest part for me was when my husband and my father-in-law broke down in eachothers arms. We had John Thomas for six hours. We took many pictures, but I finally wanted to give him back to the nurse becasue I felt he was being handled too much. I wanted him to be at rest. I kissed him a few more times, smelled him and touched his cold head to my cheek one more time before I gave him back. 
        
As for the arrangments for him, I sucked up the pain and did everything I could physicaly, because I knew it was the only chance I had to be his mom. I helped with the floral arrangements, the funeral, the burial site, everything I could. My husband is one of the greatest husbands anyone could ever have. He helped me with everything, the walking, going potty, getting dressed, showering, my meds, and my emotions. I couldn't have asked for more. He NEVER left my side.  

















Other web sites for our little buckaroo:

http://legacy.com/Louisville/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=16224958
http://www.godssweetestangels.com/johnthomas

Other sites of baby angels:
http://kellen-johnson.memory-of.com/
http://brennan-autry.memory-of.com/
http://anjelique-augustin.memory-of.com/
http://madison-atkins.memory-of.com/
http://alexandra-webster.memory-of.com
http://chase-barefoot.memory-of.com/
http://jesse-barnett.memory-of.com/
http://destynee-murray.memory-of.com/admin.aspx
http://cameron-weadock.memory-of.com
http://kayla-batke.memory-of.com/
http://jack-cameron.memory-of. 
http://ryley-white.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://Killianskorner.memory-of.com 
http://Daphne-tindall.memory-of.com 
http://my-little-angel-angelina.memory-of.com/about.aspx  
http://joshua-larson.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://caleigh-kirk.memory-of.com/
http://katiecassidy.memory-of.com/
http://jessica-szydelko.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://faith-deford.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://johnna-rusk.memory-of.com
http://adrian-dawson.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://darren-bonella-25-07-05.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://paige-leigh.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://albie-turner12805.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://aidenjeverett.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://amyapps.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://aidenjeverett.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://selena-springer.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://benjaminrileybernard.memory-of.com/
http://brooklyn-augustine.memory-of.com/
http://aiden-roth.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://paul-aaron-domme.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://lily-rebekkah-vanderstar.memory-of.com/
http://edensanangel.memory-of.com/
http://lucas-jackson.memory-of.com/
http://ellamae-gleed.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://angel-mills.memory-of.com
http://caleb-behymer.memory-of.com/
http://alan-isaac.memory-of.com/
http://emma-berry.memory-of.com/
http://cadyrene-bestall.memory-of.com/
http://jarrett-blackmon.memory-of.com/

Good sites for graphics:
http://home.att.net/~scorh/
http://www.angelfamilies.cityslide.com/page/page/2961340.htm
http://www.piczo.com/faithgraphics?g=890695&cr=2
http://blinkyou.com/glitters.php
http://glitteryourway.com
http://www.poohfriends.com/


Born Still Sites:
www.stillbirthalliance.org
www.stillborn-angels.memory-of.com






I Hold You, Awake in My Dreams

Late at night, when the world is asleep, I am awake in my dreams. I hold you and smell your sweet, soft, baby skin. I feel you move. You are such a squirmy little boy and you are so strong, trying to lift your head already. I cup your head, full of blonde little curls, in my hand and look down at your face. I see those lips, those lips of mine. I hear you cry, but not in pain. I hear you cry to comfort my pain. Then I lay you down. I hover over you, checking every part of your body. And yes you still have ten little toes and ten little fingers, those fingers of Daddy’s. You’re still the perfect little John Thomas I remember. I then put your tiny hand in mine and I feel your tight little grip around my finger. All the while, you are trying to get your other hand in your mouth, like all babies do. I lift you again, to feel the weight in my arms one more time, you are still so small, but such a big boy to me. And the whole time I am with you, you look at me with love and peace with those big deep blue eyes . Then I look over to God and give you back again. Then I wake up to life and hold you in my heart. You weigh so much in my heart. Then I thank God. I thank him for letting me hold you one more time. He lets me hold you time and time again, awake, in my dreams. And I am so grateful.
Written by Nichole Cavote
In memory of John Thomas Cavote
January 4th, 2006

SONGS

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
Home (2002)

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams


Lyrics to Song on Web Page
I used to sing this to both of my boys while I was pregnant with them"Angel Standing By"
by: Jewel
All through the night I'll be watching over you
And all through the night I'll be standing over you
And through bad dreams I'll be right there baby
telling you everything's going to be alright
When you cry I'll be there baby
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful
So don't you worry
I'm you Angel standing by




When I hear this song it reminds me of my baby boy
"Who You'd Be Today"

By: Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

POEMS


TEARS
If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
and bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye
you were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you,
no one will ever know.
~Author Unknown




Precious Little One
I’m just a precious little one who didn’t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I’m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don’t complain.
I have all Heaven’s Glory,
suffered none of earth’s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I’d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don’t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother’s womb.
~Author Unknown


Because of You
Because of you I appreciate the sunset more than before.
Because of you I stop to look up at the moon and wish upon a star.
Because of you I look forward to hearing the birds sing in the morning,
and thank God for their beautiful songs.
Because of you I am more understanding of others and accept people for who they are.
Because of you material things do not matter.
Because of you the touch of someone you love is more
precious than any gift you can receive.
Because of you I have a broken heart but I thank God for sending you to me.
For there is no stronger love than I hold for you.
Until we meet again...
~J. Melia 


There’s an elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.
Yet, we squeeze by with,
"how are you" and "I’m fine..."
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
we talk about everything else
except the elephant in the room.
We all know it’s there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, somebody say my child’s name
Oh, please, say it again
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about their death,
perhaps we can talk about their life.
Can I say their name...
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
you are leaving me alone...
In a room...
with an elephant.
~Author Unknown

I Said God I Hurt 
I said, "God, I hurt."
And God said, "I know."
I said, "I cry alot."
And God said, "That's why I gave you tears."
I said, "Life is so hard."
And God said, "That's why I gave you loved ones."
I said, "But my loved one died."
And God said, "So did mine."
I said, "It's such a great unbearable loss."
And God said, "I saw mine nailed to the cross."
I said, "But your Son lives." 
And God said, "So does yours."
I said, "Where are they now?"
And God said, "My Son is by my side and your Angel is in my arms....."


We Thought of You Today
author unknown

We thought of you today
But that is nothing new
We thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too.
We think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know
Remembering you is easy
We do it everyday
It's the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.


What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say: 
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? 
Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice;
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. 
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay. 
I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear. 
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say, 
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me!
I learned my lesson very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mommy, dont' be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." 
So you see my dear sweet one, your children are O.K.
Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay. 
They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you. 
So now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. 
Written by Jennifer Wasik.
In memory of Zachery Wasik.
1/29/98-1/29/98


A Baby's Secret 
I'm just a little feller
Who didn't make it there.
I went to be with Jesus
And I'm waiting for you there. 
Don't you fret about me mommy
I'm one of God's lambs most blest.
I'd have loved to stay there with you
But the Shepherd knows what's best. 
Mary dwelling where I live
Waited years to enter in.
Struggles through a world of sorrow
And their lives were marred with sin. 
So sweet mommy don't you sorrow
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
From my lovely mother's womb. 
Thank you for the life you gave me
It was brief, but don't complain
I have all of heavens glory
Suffered non of earthlings' pain. 
Thank you for the name you gave me
I'd loved to brought to fame.
But if I'd lingered in earth's shadows
Might instead have brought it shame. 
Daddy gave me something for you
It's our secret, mommy dear
Pressed it hard against my forehead
Whispered in my tiny ear. 
I'll be waiting for you mommy
You and daddy and all the rest.
I'll be with you then forever
Then I'll give you daddy's kiss.

You'll Always Be Our Child
O precious, tiny sweet little one,
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be:
We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be,
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to your giggle,
I'll always be your Mom,
He'll always be your Dad,
You will always be our child,
The child that we had,
But now you're gone...
But yet, you're here,
We'll sense you everywhere:
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.
Author Unknown